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Ask a Professional Comedian: Erik Griffin

tehslaphappy asked you:
hey Erik, can you teach me how to grow facial? I’ve been trying for a why and I have no luck.

Trust be happy with your baby face, this man hair is constant maintenace its not fun. 

Anonymous asked you:
Teezy,If a girl and I get into a difficult situation involving handcuffs and buck naked nudity, Lets say I can’t find the key and need to be home by 11pm (Wife thinks I’m taking the sitter home) do I leave her and call the cops as a “concerned neighbor” or just get the Hell out.

You are a bastard first off! hahaha, I would not want to be in that situation! Since you are already lying to your wife, better keep that lie going and say the car won’t start or there was a thing that happen at the place with the stuff and get to a hardware store. 

Anonymous asked you:
Do you smoketh the blunt?

I don’t not drink or smoke. never have.

Anonymous asked you:
For Erik Griffin: Would you rather have to punch your face 10 times a day for the rest of your life or only be able to use the bathroom on weekdays? Explain.

Well that’s 5 days out of the week. I will fast on thursday, finish all the bathroom work on friday, hold it during the weekend and tear that toilet up on monday. I can’t be punching this pretty face.

Anonymous asked you:
How many headboards have you broken through in your bedroom?

Mental headboards are the way to go.

Anonymous asked you:
Eric, I can’t get hard for my ugly Jewish wife. What do I do? Please don’t say divorce her. Her parents are loaded.

Get in touch with other areas of your  sub-conscience to get turned on. Find some role play. You can’t be that shallow, you will never be able to fully enjoy the sexual experience of LOOKS are EVERYTHING. 

insert-naughty-thoughts-here asked you:
erik griffin my man!! how hard is it to avoid from acting as Montez in real life around others??

Not hard at all, if you met me you would understand Montez is just a very very small part of my real personality. 

Anonymous asked you:
For Erik: how many boogers will you be eating during your standup?

Its unfortunetly a booger free stand up set. 

burger—wolf asked you:
Montez, how do you conquer that sting ray coochie?

Confidence and honesty. 

anamericanwerewolf asked you:
Question for Erik (Monteezy) Griffin: Why do white people love smoovies so much? I just had one yesterday and it was delicious.

That is one of those secrets of the universe we may never know. But they definetly love those “SMOOVIES”

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Erik Griffin is answering your questions right now! Submit them here, then be sure to watch his Half Hour special tonight at 12a/11c.

How to conquer stingray coochie? What do you do when handcuffs in bed don’t work out the way you hoped? Who needs Wikipedia when you’ve got Ask a Professional Comedian with Erik Griffen?